Fuzzy Zellerstein to Design New Course in Colorado

Editor's Note: On April 1, a reporter from the Park Record (Park City, Utah) described a huge new golf development in Summit County. As evidenced by the verbatim story below, this project is different. Maybe it's the stale beer used for irrigation, or the massive funnel to capture rainwater or the helicopters that will seed the clouds. Regardless, this course will be moist. Here's reporter Stovetop Philling's account, in all its glorious entirety.

"Funnel will Supply Water"

by Stovetop Philling Of the Record Staph

A spokesman for developers of an immense 72-hole golf course resort in Summit County, Thursday, divulged plans to build a gigantic funnel and water tank atop their proposed hotel complex.

"We've had such criticism about using up all the water in the county that we've decided to take ourselves off the water grid. Any potable water we use will come from melted snow, rain and trucked-in water," he said.

The developers have applied for a county permit to allow low-flying helicopters to conduct cloud-seeding operations over the hotel. Local officials will likely grant the permit, hoping to capture and sell any moisture that escapes the massive funnel. "We don't want to compete with private enterprise by selling water, but we just can't pass up any opportunities for additional revenue," a county official said.

A local water company owner scoffed at the idea. "Any fears about running out of water in Summit County are completely unfounded. There's plenty of water for everyone forever," he reassured.

The company is drilling several new wells this spring and expects to find more water at 10,000 feet.

Golf course designer Fuzzy Zellerstein says they have also submitted a plan to use stale beer salvaged from Main Street bars to irrigate the golf courses. "There should be plenty," says Zellerstein. He explained that the 3.2 percent beer sold in Utah bars is better for this application. "What we've found is it's really mostly water anyway and doesn't evaporate as quickly as real beer."

Zellerstein said the 3.2 beer is better for the greens as well. "With real beer they're a lot harder to read because the grass tends to lay down more."

If the plan is approved, the course complex will be dubbed, "The Breweries." Individual courses will be named for local beers. The Polygamy Porter course will be reserved for families only. The First Amendment course will be open to everyone, no questions asked.